Year of the Baby

Mozart and Desertification supporters insist that 2006 is their year but what 2006 is shaping out to be is the year of the baby. Baby watch frenzy has reached a fever pitch as a motherlode of celebrities pop buns out of their ovens this year: Gwyneth Paltrow, Katie Holmes, Angelina Jolie, Britney Spears, Brooke Shields, Gwen Stefani, etc.

On the personal front, a few female relatives and a co-worker are all pregnant. I've rubbed tummies (with their consent) and shopped for baby stuff more than ever before.

Then there are the questions about when I am going to contribute to the population. These are usually accompanied with sage advice like, "Because you're not getting any younger" or "You don't want to be an old mother."

I am not adverse to having a baby, especially in the face of such peer pressure. When both Angelina and your cousin are (practically) pushing their enlarged torsos in your face, who doesn't wave their arms in surrender and start listening for the patter of little feet?

Like military training, I have started acclimatizing myself for my own bundle of joy. While I haven't actually stopped using contraceptives, I have taken other measures:

• when a baby starts wailing on public transit, I now force myself to smile and enjoy the sounds as opposed to covering my ears while humming or jumping out/through the window
• sleep deprivation and vigilance are expected by any new parent. To simulate similar conditions, I stay up late playing video games then check on my spouse from time to time with questions like "Do you want some milk?" or "Don't you have to work tomorrow?".
• I stare at other people's children, trying to see their positive and cute traits. For instance, kids are adorable when they are bundled up like baby seals and their flesh is probably equally soft and juicy ... perfect for stroking with motherly love, of course.

These are baby steps towards my ultimate goal of joining everyone else on the bandwagon. To see Britney pregnant again, within three months of giving birth, convinces me that if she or any unspayed animal at the Humane Society can do it, so can I.

Countdown to a firing

Based on the lacklustre response to my previous blog, it would seem that strangers do not have any more of a clue of what I should do than I do.

My daring career gamble has failed and before I turn to a life of crime, Joe has suggested that I take a mental break. However, shopping for clothes and a new job are not enough to keep me chipper.

I've started looking into new things to learn and as usual, the impractical and the ridiculous jump right out at me.

I've looked into the following courses:

• Kendo - wielding a big stick and talking softly
• Medieval Martial Arts - getting medieval on someone's ass for real
• Learning a new language - forget professionally practical languages like Mandarin. I want to know how to ask for 80 chickens in Farsi, Russian or Ojibwa.
• Tap dancing - every time life gets me down, I'll just start tapping my toes and my life will suddenly become a Hollywood musical. At worst, people will throw money at me.

It occurs to me that my life is like a buffet: low on longterm value but high on cheap thrills. Up next: convincing my boss to lay me off. Stay tuned!

Boredom drives the future

If you ever had a chance to scan my work resumé, you would see that I have never worked for a single employer for more than two years. More charitable observers might say that I am ambitious and quick to jump on opportunity. The truth is that I bore easily and have a low tolerance for routine.

I am quickly approaching the second anniversary of my current occupation and I feel boredom setting in. Another sign that change is in the air is that I am seriously contemplating ridiculous career possibilities.

Here are samples of my insanity:

• Secret Agent - I find it appealing that simple acts like making a phone call take on a special meaning
• Criminal - the careful planning and patience required are probably beyond me
• Dominatrix - you wouldn't have to pay me much to get a good beating

Poor Joe, who didn't even blink when I joined the equivalent of "clown college", has patiently pointed out why none of the aforementioned career paths are feasible. For instance, being a criminal means that jail time is an inevitable part of the learning curve. "Just look at George Clooney in Out of Sight and Ocean's 11," said Joe. True enough.

What do you think I should do next?

Baby, it's cold outside

Before summer arrives and my argument becomes moot, I would like to remind beach wear enthusiasts in Toronto that they live in ... Toronto.

Hollister has recently landed in Toronto but it is only the latest in a string of surfer style retailers that thrive in Canada - most notably Boathouse and American Eagle Outfitters.

My problem with Toronto beach wear enthusiasts is that they are:

1) In a state of denial

The laid back sexy California vibe is undoubtedly attractive but California-like weather only comes to Toronto for two months of the year. The rest of the time, beach wear just looks ridiculous.

As soon as the temperature goes a few degree above freezing, I see beach wear troopers in flip flops. It makes me cringe to watch their toes turn blue but admittedly, their discomfort is not mine.

To those who would weakly argue that Toronto has beaches, I would point out that most of them are not open for swimming and that the beaches are well separated from the rest of the city both geographically and culturally.

2) Lacking in imagination

Instead of transporting a fashion from another climate and regurgitating it, why not mix up beach wear with more Toronto friendly styles?

Or just forget the whole beach bum look and wear clothes that are more suited to the urban environment that is Toronto. The fast pace and concrete jungle makes exposed feet and knees ridiculously vulnerable. Instead, Torontonians can indulge in high heeled boots (impossible in warm sand), dark denim skinny jeans (too heavy and tight for hot weather), and layered clothing.

The king of sexy sand wear, Abercrombie & Fitch, is slated to arrive in Toronto this fall - just in time for increasingly nippy, wet weather, along with limited sunlight. There will be an over-enthusiastic crush of consumers buying the clothes. My only hope is an early snowfall in October (not unheard of in Toronto) falling lightly over exposed toes in flip flops will bring everyone to their senses.

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Hollywood loves underdog stories: the little guy fighting the evil empire and ultimately winning or losing with dignity. But what about when two villains go up against eachother? Like Freddy vs Jason, Alien vs Predator, or, most recently, Apple vs Apple. The result is the equivalent a showdown between two schoolyard bullies: pure unadulterated enjoyment of violence.

An expensive legal battle is unfolding between Apple Computer and Apple Corps, the company owned by The Beatles. Both claim ownership of the humble fruit as their logo but only Apple Corps claims to have the rights to associate the apple with music. With iTunes and the iPod, Apple Computer has treaded on opposing gang territory.

The first legal between the two Apples lasted two years. How long will this battle last and where will it lead? Will the victor go on to tackle other potential threats like:

• Fiona Apple?
• Apple Paltrow Martin (seen above)?
• Juice Newton?
• "Bonita Applebum"?
• William Tell and the Swiss?

Watch on the sidelines and be sure to get the commemorative candied apples.

Chit-chat fodder

Years ago, I bought something from the US and I was randomly assigned a customs broker. This one time transaction unexpectedly resulted in a delightful monthly e-newsletter that brings me interesting tidbits about the world.

In anticipation of the weekend, and all those parties that you'll no doubt be attending, I'll list some of the most interesting facts I've gathered from the e-newsletter recently. By regurgitating this trivia, you'll either be the life of the party or the one everyone ignores - it all depends on the party.

Bubble Wrap was created in the 1950s by two men working in a New Jersey garage who thought they had created a new textured wallpaper.

A U.S study has found that people who live within a mile of a grocery store have a 26 per cent higher risk of being in an auto accident, and thus pay higher insurance rates, second only to those living within a mile of a restaurant who have a 30 per cent higher risk of being in a car crash. The study looked at over 15 million policyholders and 2 million claims mapping the closeness of the vehicle owners' addresses to various businesses.

A British supermarket is launching the ultimate life-enhancing snack, the musical sandwich. In a trial certain to be welcomed by the estimated one million Britons who eat their lunch at their desks each day, technology similar to that used in singing greeting cards will be used to sell musical sandwiches. Opening the top of the sandwich box will activate a tiny sound module that plays a selection of music.

A Tokyo company has announced that the first elevators controlled by magnetic levitation will be in operation as early as 2008. Using no cables, they will employ so-called maglev technology, capable of suspending objects in midair through the combination of magnetic attraction and repulsion to control the elevators. The maglev elevators will be quieter and more comfortable and will travel at 300 metre per minute, not as fast as conventional elevators which can
move up to 1010 metres a minute. This technology has already been used to develop high-speed trains

Experts forecast that 2006 will not be the year when India becomes the next big driver of commodities, pushing prices even higher. India's economy is still focused primarily on services rather than commodity-intensive manufacturing that is driving China's boom. India makes up only two per cent of the world's demand for copper, aluminum and nickel. By comparison, China consumes about 22 per cent of the world's copper, 23 per cent of its aluminum and 16 per cent of its nickel.

Today, the average American puts in 36 hours more than the Japanese (1,825 versus 1,789). The hardest workers are the South Koreans with 2,394 hours a year, followed by the Greeks, Poles, Turks and Czechs. The land of leisure is Norway whose average worker spends just 1,364 on the job.

Norway is planning to build a "doomsday vault" inside a mountain on an Arctic island to hold a seed bank of all known varieties of the world's crops. Located on Spitsbergen, it will be designed to withstand global catastrophes like nuclear war or natural disasters. that would destroy the planet's sources of food. There are currently about 1,400 seed banks around the world, but a large number are in countries that are either olitically unstable or face threats from the natural environment.

Finally: Most TVs, VCRs and other electronic devices remain in a standby mode when not in use, silently using up energy to the tune of 1,000 kilowatt hours a year per household. A computer left on can draw nearly as much power as an efficient refrigerator. The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency claims that Americans spend more money to power DVD players when the machines are turned off than when they are actually in use. - Joe, are you listening?

Hum no more

Are you fed up with humming a song to the pimply-face kid at the music store in order to get that song you like? ("Are you suggesting that I like Tom Jones?!")

Stop embarrassing yourself and use the Song Tapper. Sit in the comfort of your office cubicle as you tap on your keyboard to the rhythms in your head. You'll sound productive (bosses approve of constant clicking of keyboard) and happy (you'll probably still need need to hum along to get the rhythm right). This can only lead to a promotion. Congratulations!

FYI Tapping out "O Canada" brings up the following list:

• "O Canada"
• "I Feel Good" by James Brown
• William Tell Overture
• theme of "Star Trek: The Next Generation"

Interesting...