Lust for crap

Underworld: Evolution is coming out today and I'm giddy with anticipation. Underworld was absolute crap so I have high hopes for this latest installment in the franchise...let me explain:

About ten years ago, in the throes of teenage angst, I was a big time art film enthusiast. If it had a limited release, or was loved by the critics, or had subtitles, I was all over it. Some of my favourites were Jesus of Montreal, Orlando, and Lilies.

As I get older, I have acquired a taste for blockbusters the way most maturing adults acquire a taste for jazz and old cheeses. Film connoisseurs ask me, "Have you seen Nobody Knows/Russian Ark/Manderlay?" and I retort, "No! Have you seen Underworld/Aeon Flux/Fantastic Four?"

It's not that I've become a total Hollywood enthusiast but there is something fascinating about big budget awfulness that overshadows critically acclaimed dramas just about every time. Recently, I saw Broken Flowers and 2046, and neither of them entertained me as much as The Transporter 2. When the main character flips his car in the air to allow a hanging metal hook to take out a bomb strapped to the bottom of the car, how can Bill Murray's aging lothario beat that? The caddish writer of 2046 may be breaking hearts but The Transporter is breaking people all over Miami.

Underworld will always hold a special place in my heart for featuring a character called Kraven (!!!) who acts like a tight-assed police inspector/college dean of the vampire world, raging with lines like, "You can't do this, Selene. It's against the rules" or "You're out of control!" or something like that.

Another personal favourite is XXX where Vin Diesel does everything short of whipping out his member to show he's 'down with the kids'. Then there are the scenes where uttering "Bitches, come!" prompts a parade of girls to dance happily into a room and an overly ripe woman writhing all over a four poster bed is greeted with "The things I'm going to do for my country" instead of a can of Raid. This is the stuff of dreams.

So, I'll probably see Underworld: Evolution very soon. I enjoy TVO documentaries and CBC radio as much as the next person - probably more than most - but high fibre needs to be supplemented with doughnuts and gravy from time to time.