Christmas fog forecasted

Every year, I try so damn hard to get into the holiday spirit and every year, it either ends in failure or it's suddenly January 2.

The failure scenario I blame on my family. As an only child, my parents probably equated Christmas with a big budget Broadway musical playing to an audience of one - a waste of time and money.

Our Christmas tradition consisted of me whining about opening my presents before December 25, and my parents fighting me simply on principle. There was no illusion that Santa Claus existed. Even as a five year old, I would desperately try to fool myself into believing that Santa existed, only to have my parents retort, "Don't be ridiculous. We paid for the presents with our hard earned cash."

As I got older, Christmas simply became a game of matching numbers. If X paid $25 for my gift, could I fool X into thinking I paid the same amount for this $10 jumper? When my money ran out, I carefully inspected gifts of Christmas past, and rewrapped them with fresh wrapping paper for a new, unsuspecting recipient.

This year is shaping up to become a Christmas that sneaks by without notice. It's a mere two weeks before Christmas, I've bought the majority of my Christmas gifts, and I can barely feel Christmas. It would help if radio stations actually played traditional Christmas music instead of painful remixes. And I'm sure I would feel more Christmasy if I wasn't afraid to stuff every fruit cake and gingerbread into my mouth (Christmasy meaning a jelly roll encased in human skin).

I know some people will suggest that I go volunteer at a soup kitchen or buy some toys for needy children to get into the true spirit of Christmas. Those unimaginative people can eat mistletoe. That's a slippery path I'd rather not follow. Next thing you know, three ghosts will be showing me the error of my ways then I'll be hoisting a crippled boy on my shoulder while laughing and crying at the same time (retch retch).

For a few magical years, the latest installment of Lord of Rings brought Christmas cheer to my cold, cold heart. But now, Peter Jackson offers me King Kong. It's just not the same.

PS That's not my Christmas tree in the photo, but it's a good depiction of how I feel right now.