Killing me softly

From time to time, when life gets a little too hectic and stressful, I start craving a steadier life. A life where I work 9 to 5, Mondays to Fridays, get paid an average wage, track my retirement savings, discuss office politics and fixate on paint colour for my new condo.

But it's a slippery slope from living comfortably to having one foot in the grave.

My office co-worker is a mere 22 years old but she might as well be 62 years old and thinking about retirement. Let me run down her life for you and see if you can spot the 22 year old.

Mondays to Fridays:

• Wake up at 6am, get driven into Toronto by husband then take TTC and arrive at work at 8am.
• At work, call mom, call brother, call husband, coo at baby niece, call sister-in-law, call husband again, call mom again, dream about trip to the Caribbean, eat lunch, repeat all calls, check prices on trip to Caribbean, eat afternoon snack, get off work at 5pm.
• Travel by TTC to mom's place, wait for husband then drive back home.
• Prepare dinner, watch prime time television while doing laundry/preparing lunch/ironing clothes.
• Do some last minute housework before going to bed.

Saturdays and Sundays:

• Wake up early to vacuum and dust the house.
• Go visit parents and various relatives.
• Help out at in-law's small business.
• Go shopping at the mall, stock up on miscellaneous sale items.
• Do some last minute housework before going to bed.

My 22 year old co-worker is content. But as I sit beside her at work, listening to the office radio playing the latest hit single from the latest Canadian Idol winner, I can actually feel myself dying.

The latest Canadian Idol winner is 17 year old Melissa O'Neil (pictured above with boring idiot, Ben Mulroney). She sings about wanting to "run with reckless emotion" while snoring her way through the song. Melissa claims to "feel alive" but she provides the kind of numbness that usually signals the grim reaper.

I have some recommendations for Melissa, my co-worker, or anyone who has become too comfortable:

• get really drunk - being forced to focus all your fearful concentration on keeping the puke down puts you in "the moment"
• do something illegal - nothing like the feeling of being chased down by the armed and dangerous to make you feel really alive
• take on an obsessive hobby - the single minded pursuit of rare collectables, physical exertion or American infidels cuts the fat and turns your life into a refreshingly sharp pin point

Admittedly, any of my recommendations are liable to put you in the grave but at least you fall in kicking and screaming as opposed to being lulled in by Melissa O'Neil, one soft shoe shuffle at a time.