As requested: On my gastrointestinal tract and insomnia

About 15 years ago, my father had his gall stones removed. The experience was a turning point in our household. Before the surgery, my father would eat crap like an average North American. After the surgery, my father passed the fat onto my mom and me instead.

So, I ate TV dinners (for breakfast), fried chicken, and Whoppers, while my father ate brown bread with marmalade, canned beans, and high fibre oatmeal. The high fibre oatmeal was especially important.

Whether the gall stones had come about or not, I figure my dad was bound to become obsessed with fibre eventually. With advancing years comes a hypervigilant attitude towards your health. My obsessive personality has fast-tracked me to an obsession with my colon and my sleep patterns 30 years ahead of schedule.

My fibre obsession started with All Bran cereal bars. They were tasty and portable but provided a mere 4g of fibre per serving. Then came All Bran Strawberry Bites cereal, which looked and tasted delicious, and provided 5g of fibre per serving. One day, the store was out of Strawberry Bites, so I bought All Bran Original, which provides 12g of fibre per serving.

I once scoffed at my uncle, also obsessed with his colon, who claimed to have a bowel movement three times a day. Yet, with 12g of fibre in me, I became a believer. It became a game of numbers: how could I increase my fibre intake? Most recently, I added brown rice to my lunch and it was like a colonic. I have never felt so clean in my life.

Regarding insomnia, I happily admit that I have rarely been afflicted with it. Recent studies claim that 1 in 7 adult Canadians suffer from insomnia. What the studies don't tell you is that the remaining 6 adult Canadians are sleep deprived, and their resulting poor judgements are the stuff of bad days. Because those 6 in 7 adult Canadians choose to watch TV in bed, nurse their caffeine addiction, or stay up late for no reason in particular, they will later cut you off on the road, stand in the middle of the escalator, and fall asleep - either at the wheel of their car or on your shoulder in public transit.

Please, people, get more sleep! That way, you'll be easier to tolerate as I stumble around, groggy and tired.

PS I realize that I wrote about my colon and not my gastrointestinal tract but what do you want? A rambling anecdote or a scientific paper? Come on, people! (I need some sleep)