Donnie Darko turd up for grabs

The theatrical release for Donnie Darko occurred back in 2001 but its cult film status helped bring about the recent release of a Director's Cut DVD. The buzz that has surrounded this film, along with a '2 for $30' sale at HMV, prompted me to purchase the DVD on faith alone. Now that I have seen the film, I feel like hunting down every Donnie Darko fan and beating them until they, too, see the future.

Donnie Darko is an angst-ridden build-up to nothing. It pretends to be a challenging psychological sci-fi film but it is superficial, riddled with clichés, and worst of all, boring.

The title character is a teenage middle child in a liberal, upper-middle class household. Donnie's difficulties stem from a possible case of schizophrenia, which causes him to do things like sleepbike into dreamy mountain locales. To treat his mental illness, he talks with a psychiatrist while lying on a couch and takes pills - taking the pills, in particular, seems to make him bitter towards his mother. How dare the "bitch", as Donnie calls her, encourage him to deal with his mental illness?

One night, Donnie is lured from his bed by the melodious voice of a creepy 6ft rabbit. Donnie's sleepwalk that night turns out to be a blessing when a jet engine crashes into his bedroom. This is the beginning of Donnie's weird and antagonistic relationship with Frank the bunny, who predicts the world will end on October 31, 1988.

In the 28 days leading up to Halloween, Donnie is prompted to commits acts of vandalism by Frank and learns that he may have the power to time travel. He gets all his information from a book, written by the local crazy old woman, called The Philosophy of Time Travel. Along the way, Donnie gets a girlfriend named Gretchen with whom he has stilted conversation, uses his 'powers' to find his parents' hidden gun, and exposes a new age guru and secret pedophile played by Patrick Swayze. Meanwhile, his younger sister wins a spot on "Star Search" and flies to LA with Mrs. Darko.

On the eve of the supposed end of the world, Donnie and Gretchen end up at the crazy old woman's house. An altercation with some local bullies throws Gretchen onto the road, into the path of a speeding car. After running over Gretchen, the driver of the car emerges in the familiar bunny suit and, as it turns out, his name is Frank. Donnie shoots Frank in the head with his parents' gun, in exactly the same spot that he had forseen. Meanwhile, his younger sister and mother are on a plane flying back from LA, into the path of the temporal wormhole that will end their lives, and possibly the world.

Donnie goes back in time to the moment when the jet engine crashed into his bedroom and stays in bed. By dying, Donnie saves Gretchen, his sister, his mom, Frank, and the world! However, Patrick Swayze remains a secret pedophile.

If it all sounds convoluted, that's because it is. The DVD contains a documentary about Donnie Darko's cult following in Britain, in which the fans wax on and on about what this meant and what that symbolized. All the while, they pat themselves on the back for 'getting' the movie whereas North American audiences stayed away in droves. It's fandom at its most embarrassing because the object of their adulation is so contrived and shallow.

What could be more clichéd than an attractive teen who feels alienated from everyone yet manages to have an understanding and attractive girlfriend? Then when the teen rebels, his underwhelming nemesis are a ridiculous new age guru/secret pedophile and a religious, high strung gym teacher. And who knew that treating schizophrenia was as easy as sitting around and discussing your thoughts with a concerned psychiatrist while popping placebos? Donnie Darko is essentially juvenile wish fulfillment since every teen wishes there was a clear reason for why they feel like a misfit and that they could prove themselves by saving their family or even the world.

Donnie Darko has some arresting scenes featuring amazing cinematography and a great soundtrack. But the short of it is: I want the Donnie Darko DVD out of my house.